The legendary Miss Cleo. (The Psychic Readers Network)
by Tara Miremadi and Tyler Schmall

2018 was a wild, wild year for news, and it seemed to only build off the unprecedented wildness that 2017 brought us. If you were hoping for a respite from insane headlines and viral events in 2018, your trust was sorely misplaced. In fact, on the very first day of 2018, Logan Paul, a popular YouTuber – for children – filmed a dead body and put it online.

What else happened? Let’s briefly recap. People ate Tide Pods, a small boy yodeled in a small-town Wal-Mart (and then eventually Coachella), Ben Affleck got a hideous back tattoo, Yanny was Laurel (and vice versa) and we finally saw the last of a world before “Fortnite dances.”

What. A. Year. It’s the kind of year that makes you wonder… what’s in store for us for 2019? Well, luckily for you, we are sort of a “News Nostradamus” (a “Newstrodamus” if you will) and we’re here to tell you exactly what 2019 will offer us in the form of news headlines.

1. St. Patrick’s Day No Longer Strictly Green Holiday, Other Colors Demand Representation

With films like “Crazy Rich Asians” and “Black Panther” having wild success combating the film industry’s lengthy history of being unable to represent a variety of demographics, colors will now be the next soldiers to bring justice to all holidays, once and for all. For years, grey always wanted to disrupt Valentine’s Day cards but never had a fair chance. Halloween has always been black and orange exclusive until chartreuse made it clear that enough was enough. Colors like periwinkle and cobalt will now be able to have a seat at the table – and have their fair share of whiskey shots!

2. People Abandon Self-Care, 76 Percent of Bath Bomb Companies Go Bankrupt 

Just as fast as the oversaturated term came to be, will be its quick demise. People will soon realize that self-care does not have to mean going into debt via pretty cupcakes and $65 candles that they shroud their bathtubs like some sort of sacrificial ceremony. Once the average American realizes that the true “self-care” comes from simply doing what they enjoy and by NOT wearing a t-shirt that says “NAMASTAY IN BED,” the cosmetic and skin care companies that jumped on this bandwagon will suffer mass hits to their product lines and therefore closing their pastel-colored doors. 

3. Elon Musk Changes Name to ‘Blunt Weedinski’ in Transparent Attempt to Seem Cool, Miley Cyrus Gives Birth While Wearing Bedazzled Cowboy Boots and Names Child ‘Puppy Petunia Cyrus-Hemsworth’

Our team is making two celebrity predictions for 2019. Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla, is notorious for using any means necessary to shoehorn his name into the viral newsphere in ways that might register as cool to a 15-year-old in 2006. This year, alone, he priced Tesla’s stock to $420, smoked weed with Joe Rogan on his podcast, tweeted out “send me your dankest memes,” and last but not least, built a spaceship for the soccer team stuck in flooded caves (and then subsequently had some… choice words… for a rescue diver who actually helped get them out). Well, my friends, 2019 will be a big one for Mr. Musk, as we are predicting he will change his name to something along the lines of “Blunt Weedinski” in a paltry attempt to seem cool. But will it work? Yes!

Meanwhile, Miley Cyrus, the queen of sticking out her tongue and… not sure what else, got married to her long-time boyfriend Liam Hemsworth. This comes after the couple broke off their engagement two years ago, and that sent Miley into a cultural appropriation tailspin from her Bangerz era (wearing Michael Jordan jerseys and rapping) to her Miley Cyrus & her Dead Pets era (tries acid once and is convinced she is the second coming of Jerry Garcia). After not only Liam, but her FANS started breaking up with her, she rebranded and cleaned up her act to her current polished state. We are suspicious of this latest version of Miley which is why we truly believe that deep down inside, in her achey-breaky Tennessee heart she is yearning to be barefoot and pregnant in a barn, immediately. The name of the baby? Regardless of sex it will be: Puppy Petunia Cyrus-Hemsworth. You heard it here first!

4. Move Over, Kale! Bee Pollen Who? The Latest Superfood Trend Sweeping the Country is Bark! 

This one we really never saw coming. One of those weird kids you grew up with who was always eating various things they shouldn’t like ladybugs and markers… well they became a scientist and they made your entire salary in ONE day after realizing that bark (after his own secret consumption in his lab’s bathroom) has 4x the fiber of any other discovered form on the planet. Other holistic benefits include deep internal tissue massage during digestion and 76 grams of protein per serving from the ants that are also riddled in the bark.

5. The Latest App Reminds People to Make Eye Contact with Others

It seems like human beings have forgotten the fundamental basics of…being a human being. We have apps that now track our sleep, teach us how to breathe and tell us when we’re ovulating. What’s next? A new app called LOOK! will bust onto the scene in 2019 that simply reminds you every 30 minutes to make eye contact with other humans along with an apocalyptic fun fact about how cellphones are destroying our corneas or about how you’ll die alone because you didn’t look up and see that cute girl that had the hots for you passing you on the street.

That’s all we can see in our crystal ball so far. Be sure to check back in 2019 for our coverage on these headlines and how they’ll affect your bark smoothie intake!